This thread is purely for feed back on my litterary work, Chronicles: Alien Frenzy.



That means that if you would like to express any opinion or critisism about the story thus far, please post here. I would like to improve as a writer and any feed back would be greatly appreciated. Remember, constructive critisism only please

Hi, Red Dragon.



I'll post to you via private message if I have anything to say as I'm sure you'd feel more comfortable that way. I will be PM'ing you later so keep an eye out for it.



Anise.

Thank you very much Anise for the advice, I will be sure to clear that up in future stories!



If anyone else would like to add something, please do. This is for my improvement as a writer and constructive critisism is appreciated.

some thoughts:

1. layout- you've figured it out now. All looks fine.



2. intro is good, you're mentioning some "inner" stuff. Maybe add some personal thoughts????



3. dialogue- still one issue: say WHO said which part. leaving the dialogue as it is makes it confusing. After 3 or 4 lines the reader must be reminded who's saying which line to keep on track.



more to come as I read

aggggghhhhh, my pet phobia:



REPETITION



REPETITION



I know that English is a forgiving language, but repeating "I" all the time smacks of literary escapism...



example:

"I too crossed the street, to an alley on the other side of the building, walking till I was out of sight from any pedestrians. I walked around to the back of the building, and took a device out of my pocket, aiming I shot a line up to the roof of the warehouse. I was yanked up to the roof by the device, where I detached it. "



why not just outline the buildings setup and characteristics and then say "so no one saw my ascent to the rooftop."

chapter 2.



paragraphs 3 and 5 have messed up dialogue [all in one line and NOT spread out]



"I was dieing of hunger"

you were doing what????????????????????????



Dieing is a process of colouring materials me thinks.



NEVER EVER FUCKING TRUST MS WORD!!!!! it will give U crap words that ain't supposed to be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

read Ur own stuff [I know that after 25 reads U know it by heart, but...]

chapter 3:

"I could hear the gunfire and his screams as I ran off. I didn't care what happened to him. He was my enemy. I hunted his kind, terrorists scum. I hated them all with a deep loathing that not even I could place. I still had a mission though. Nothing had changed that. I continued on my way, trying to find a place where I could contact the crew. I came to a room full of computers. Looked like it might be the cockpit, but if this was the cockpit, then where the hell was I? I spent some time trying to access the ships computer, living with a hacker does teach you some things about computers. I accessed the crew logs, most of it was babblings of the scientist on board. I did learn that the ship originally contained 15 eggs, and 1 Queen that were being taken from LV-564 to LV-386, at least now I know what the cargo is. I could assume that the Terrorists had pulled the eggs out of stasis and released the Queen, did they think that the crew and the aliens would kill each other? "



now- is it just me or do ALL these sentences start with "I" ??????????????????maybe talk about your feelings with "i", but leave the "hearing" sentence and say about the noises that echoed through the vessel.

"Egg and queen" sentence change from what U know to what simple IS/exists...



less repetition that way... more room for uncertainty

All very good things to keep in mind. I've decided to post the last chapters and epilogue WITHOUT taking the above information into mind.



This being my first book, I kind of want the writing to stay consistant (even if "I" is repeated way too much).



However, my next installment will be writen taking ALL these helpful tips to heart! I'm glad my story has been enjoyed thus far, and I hope that everyone will continue to update me with any critisisms they may have. Again, Many thanks to you all for helping my writing improve!

thats why U post and we reply....

Check your private message, please, RD.



Thanks.



Vikki.

Demi, I'm duly impressed by your in-depth feedback! I'm still reluctant to post my own thread for CHRYSALIS ... but I'd value very much if you could do the same for me?

One thing I noticed in the later chapters is that you were moving from presnt tense to past tense and back to present.

I have found the tense change problem, thankk you for pointing that out.

Does anyone have anything else to add? If not I'm going to copy all this and use it to write my next book.