Chronicles FeedBack Needed
Everything about the First Game from Rebellion.
Topic: Chronicles FeedBack Needed
Total Posts: 14
Red_Dragon
Rank: 0
Posts: 5
That means that if you would like to express any opinion or critisism about the story thus far, please post here. I would like to improve as a writer and any feed back would be greatly appreciated. Remember, constructive critisism only please
Anise
Rank: 0
Posts: 166
I'll post to you via private message if I have anything to say as I'm sure you'd feel more comfortable that way. I will be PM'ing you later so keep an eye out for it.
Anise.
Red_Dragon
Rank: 0
Posts: 5
If anyone else would like to add something, please do. This is for my improvement as a writer and constructive critisism is appreciated.
the_demigod
Rank: 9
Posts: 1759
1. layout- you've figured it out now. All looks fine.
2. intro is good, you're mentioning some "inner" stuff. Maybe add some personal thoughts????
3. dialogue- still one issue: say WHO said which part. leaving the dialogue as it is makes it confusing. After 3 or 4 lines the reader must be reminded who's saying which line to keep on track.
more to come as I read
the_demigod
Rank: 9
Posts: 1759
REPETITION
REPETITION
I know that English is a forgiving language, but repeating "I" all the time smacks of literary escapism...
example:
"I too crossed the street, to an alley on the other side of the building, walking till I was out of sight from any pedestrians. I walked around to the back of the building, and took a device out of my pocket, aiming I shot a line up to the roof of the warehouse. I was yanked up to the roof by the device, where I detached it. "
why not just outline the buildings setup and characteristics and then say "so no one saw my ascent to the rooftop."
the_demigod
Rank: 9
Posts: 1759
paragraphs 3 and 5 have messed up dialogue [all in one line and NOT spread out]
"I was dieing of hunger"
you were doing what????????????????????????
Dieing is a process of colouring materials me thinks.
NEVER EVER FUCKING TRUST MS WORD!!!!! it will give U crap words that ain't supposed to be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
read Ur own stuff [I know that after 25 reads U know it by heart, but...]
the_demigod
Rank: 9
Posts: 1759
"I could hear the gunfire and his screams as I ran off. I didn't care what happened to him. He was my enemy. I hunted his kind, terrorists scum. I hated them all with a deep loathing that not even I could place. I still had a mission though. Nothing had changed that. I continued on my way, trying to find a place where I could contact the crew. I came to a room full of computers. Looked like it might be the cockpit, but if this was the cockpit, then where the hell was I? I spent some time trying to access the ships computer, living with a hacker does teach you some things about computers. I accessed the crew logs, most of it was babblings of the scientist on board. I did learn that the ship originally contained 15 eggs, and 1 Queen that were being taken from LV-564 to LV-386, at least now I know what the cargo is. I could assume that the Terrorists had pulled the eggs out of stasis and released the Queen, did they think that the crew and the aliens would kill each other? "
now- is it just me or do ALL these sentences start with "I" ??????????????????maybe talk about your feelings with "i", but leave the "hearing" sentence and say about the noises that echoed through the vessel.
"Egg and queen" sentence change from what U know to what simple IS/exists...
less repetition that way... more room for uncertainty
Red_Dragon
Rank: 0
Posts: 5
This being my first book, I kind of want the writing to stay consistant (even if "I" is repeated way too much).
However, my next installment will be writen taking ALL these helpful tips to heart! I'm glad my story has been enjoyed thus far, and I hope that everyone will continue to update me with any critisisms they may have. Again, Many thanks to you all for helping my writing improve!
the_demigod
Rank: 9
Posts: 1759
Anise
Rank: 0
Posts: 166
Thanks.
Vikki.
AlienQueen
Rank: 0
Posts: 192
Anise
Rank: 0
Posts: 166
Red_Dragon
Rank: 0
Posts: 5
Red_Dragon
Rank: 0
Posts: 5
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